Dear readers, something you should know about me is that I bleed red, white and blue. Not from some sort of nationalistic American bent, but because I am a devoted Wonder Woman fan. Just last week I spent hours and hours moping around the Fan Expo dealer’s room because the Wonder Woman Bishoujo statue sold out before I got a chance to get my mitts on one. My apartment has Wonder Woman memorabilia wherever you look, and I even dressed up as the Amazonian princess for Anime North one year.
Bespangled!
When I heard that Wondy was getting a revamp, I was filled with the rage of a thousand wet cats, and spent hours ranting and raving to anyone who would listen (no one) about the folly of jackets, straps, and, worst of all, goddamn pants. My outrage took me right to the store to buy the first issue, and as I glumly gazed at the cover I could only think: “how could they do this to you?”
Also the perfect present for Stella. Hint hint.
Then I started reading. Lo and behold, the world did not end. Wonder Woman had a different costume because she was an alternate Universe version of herself – one Wonder Woman out of infinite possibilities, brought to being by a vengeful goddess named Nemesis. The more I read, the more I realized that losing the bespangled briefs didn’t make her lose who she is. She was still a kick-ass warrior lady with a mind like a steel trap and a mean right hook, now she just wore some pants. I even started to look at this whole business logically:
Bespangled Briefs:
Pros:
- A classic. No one’s complaining.
- Snazzy – you can’t go wrong with having part of the American flag on your ass.
- Perfect if she wants to go swimming with Aquaman after a long day of crime-fighting, but doesn’t have time to go home and change.
Cons:
- They don’t convert well to eveningwear. What if she has a dinner date? Restaurants generally don’t allow that much thigh.
- If she sits on a leather or vinyl chair during the summertime, her thighs are totally going to stick and she’s going to get those weird red indents.
- Always has to keep her legs perfectly shaved.
Leather Pants:
Pros:
- Provide good coverage so that her legs don’t get injured in battle.
- Shiny and reflective – might distract or confuse her opponents.
- Slimming – doesn’t have to worry if she had an extra cupcake or two after the Justice League meeting because she was tired and hungry and Batman went on forever.
Cons:
- People are going to complain about them forever.
- Animal Rights activists are going to get on her ass about the leather.
- Chafing – after a roundhouse kick or two, I’m not sure how comfortable those things are going to be.
After sitting down and plotting it out so rationally I realized that those damn pants were growing on me like a little pants-wearing fungus.
I’m not ashamed to say it: I like the pants. Maybe I even LOVE the pants.
They seem practical, and why do lady superheroes have to show so much skin anyway? I mean, why do we basically only get to see Robin (ick) and Namor’s (ew) thighs? Maybe I’d like to see Captain America’s beefy haunches, or Superman’s bountiful, hard man breasts!
I digress.
What I’m saying is, people, embrace the pants – they’ll be gone soon anyway!
Or will they!? Dun dun dun...
XOXO,
Stella Ess